Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
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do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The old gods are rising again.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar