Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
You Might Also Like
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.