Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
