Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
