Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!