Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
this could fix me
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*