Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
You Might Also Like
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
This could be us… but you playing
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When I laugh on my period
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!