Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
What the hell happened in there??
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.