Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
