Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.