Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

These are my emotional support Pringles.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

new wife guy just dropped

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.