Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I try
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.