Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.