Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.