Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the composer

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.