Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?