Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
why no one uses midhusbands
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered