Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

favorite tropes as memes

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Huge, if true.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.