Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

The three genders

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.