Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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Dead sexy!!
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*