Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight