Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.