Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
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there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.