Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

How I like cutting carbs

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business