technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged