technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.