Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Meow
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese鈥檚 cup.
*pulls at 28掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094掳 angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I鈥檓 calling the crops
My hot friend: I鈥檝e been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Not my job 馃槀
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I鈥檓 putting the path back in psychopath.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Real bees work best
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It鈥檚 like they are speaking cursive.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn鈥檛 even know you could get pregnant
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]