Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Kids: Stay in school.
![]()
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me too, bag. Me too….
![]()
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now