Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up