Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

I identify as an antique shop.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

R.I.P.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist