Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance