technically true but not a great slogan
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.