technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You Might Also Like
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’ll be mad as hell!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
mmm onion ringos
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
