Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

smh

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.