Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.