technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.