technique
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.