Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My kitchen overserved me.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos