Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.