Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Jogging
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?