Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class