Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end