Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
yeah 😭
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.