Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
You Might Also Like
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.