Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

The struggle is real.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

🤣😂🤣😂

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?