Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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serving silly goose instead of turkey
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it鈥檚 carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he鈥檒l die on.
My lack of pants is nobody鈥檚 business.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
馃槤
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date鈥檚 and his dad鈥檚 car keys in it
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
…sees you when you鈥檙e sleeping, knows when you鈥檙e awake, knows if you鈥檝e been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
them: what鈥檇 you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just got a cramp in my side so that鈥檒l teach me for getting off the couch.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical