Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

oh my gosh!!

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?