Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

When I said I liked it rough.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

#SCOTUS one-star review

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.