Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

The struggle is real.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this