Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.