Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bike is short for Bichael.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.