Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Worth the read.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]