Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour