Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth