Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

me hooking up with my ex

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

😬

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

SCARY COSTUME

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Nice try, NASA

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.