Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

Thank you corporation very cool

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Livid.

Me in tagged photos

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Meeeee too!

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles