Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl