Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

This came to me in a dream.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

My favorite farside!!

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.