TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
You Might Also Like
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Spotted in the wild
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.