Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Posting this on behalf of a friend

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now