Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You Might Also Like
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
🤣😂🤣😂
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I ain’t wearing no wire