Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Me when I’m ovulating

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.