Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”