Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*