Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

I have never related to anyone more.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February