teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
everyone’s a critic
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
#winning
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?