teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary


Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.


Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese


All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.


Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?


I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.