Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.