Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

this article brought to you by lions

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: