Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us