Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Perfect.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.