Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I am having an out of money experience.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.