Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

I told my vodka about you.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.