Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you know, you know
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
sometimes i miss this memes
