Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

My life coach traded me.