(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.