Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”