Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
@funTweeters
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
He-man has a Masters degree
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Ice skating is like walking in cursive