Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
You Might Also Like
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere