@smiles_and_nods

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

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@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@forcemajeure40

She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.

@parttimewinner

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

@RandomManik

Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

@NickAmadeus

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

@batkaren

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

@BromanConsul

“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”

@sock_holliday

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days